Productivity Halt

For the past few months I have been very unproductive. There are many things that i want and would enjoy to get done(drawing,writing) but I just cant seem to get myself to do them. When I get home from work I'm usually pretty exhausted, sometimes even take a nap. But thats not really my main problem. When I'm home(not exhausted/sleepy), either my mood is just so down I don't feel like doing anything or theres so much going through my head I can't focus on my work. I got myself a laptop so that I can try to work on stuff away from home, my thoughts seem to be under much more control away from home, but now it's malfuncioning and I haven't been able to take it in to get it fixed. I've also noticed that it's also keeping me from other chores like washing dishes, laundry, and keeping my apartment clean(until i absolutely need to do them). I find myself lost on what I should do to help me become productive again. I just hope I can figure it out before classes start up again. I fear what it will do to my homework.

About The Silent Ninja + Notes

I just recently re-wrote the about me section of my MySpace page and thought that it would be nice to show this with all the notes that I added while I was writing it. Read it, maybe you'll learn something you did'nt know about The Silent Ninja

Matthew Sorg, The Silent Ninja, is one of the most unique individuals that you will probably ever meet. He strives to be as different as he can, yet also tries his best to make sure nothing bad happens to anyone before himself. His mind is also most promising, easily able to understand how things work without much effort, always studying things. One of his biggest strengths is his skills with technology. He learned much about PC's and has even built one from scratch. He has also tinkered with electronics a little to, fixing a cd player with parts from a second cd player. Another skill that(apparently) Matt is good in is photography. For many years he has taken photo's of his brother's rap group, Crap, and the other groups that they play with. He has also taken some video of the group's performances and antics. Despite these great things about Matt, he severely lacks in his social skills(especially vocally, really hates phones). It's really hard for him to say what he want's to say, like another part of him is holding him back. He believes it's because he doesn't want to hurt anyone with something he might say accidentally. This has kept him from making many friends in his life(at least there are no enemies). Matt finds it a little easier when he uses text(IM, text, email, etc.) because he can see what he's going to say and easily make changes before sending. He also finds it extremely difficult when trying to explaining something. There are many things that he likes to do in his free time. He enjoys listening to lots of Rock but doesn't mind some Hip Hop/Rap now and then. He has had a love of video games since he was young and loves to play then every now and then. Matt also has a love for art that probably grew from the love of video games and has even developed his own artistic skills but he still has a lot of practicing to do. He also likes to work on some stories that he's been writing and developing for a few years now.

Matt was born and raised in the small town of Jamestown, PA. In school, his grads were pretty average. In school he made(what he considers) a few friends. For a few years he joined the local boyscout troop for about four years. His parent's got divorced(forgot when) and was raised by his father for the rest of his school years. Also during his school years he grew a love for video games and computers. During the last two years of his High School years, Matt also attended the Mercer County Career Center in hope of improving his computer skills in the Computer Office and Technology program. After Graduating he moved to Pittsburgh to start college life by going to The Art Institute of Pittsburgh for Game Art and Design. He had a great time making all kinds of art. After two year, he kinda wen't through a somewhat mental breakdown and started failing classes till he was terminated. Now he' attends ITT Tech for Software and Application Programing, hoping for a brand new start and old problems have gone away.

Matthew's main Goal/Dream in life is to start my own Game Development Company. He plans on attaining this dream anyway he can. His time at The Art Institute may have ended in failure but he still continues to plan on how he can make it a reality. He want's to continue working on his art skills when he can(really misses all the drawing, loved it). Once he gets good enough, he plans to try and find a way to make a little extra money with it, be it commissions or prints. Recently, Matt has rediscovered how much he really loves Rock(thanks to Guitar Hero/Rock Band) and want's to try to make his own Rock music, maybe mix it with rap/hip hop a little, not really caring how far he goes with it.

Work - Need of Change

For almost 2 years now, I've been working at a local Wendy's. Now even tho It's not too bad of a place to work at compared to just about any other fast food restraint, I've been thinking about looking for a new job soon. I'm pretty much just getting really tired of working there. I think I've been pretty lucky to be working the crew that I usually work with but there are a few of my co-workers that I'm really getting tired of dealing with. The worst is one of my managers, she over-reacts to just about anything. Even if it something stupid the customer does(at least she waits until they leave). Speaking of customers, they are another problem I have with this job. A lot of them just seem so idiotic. For example when we ask if they want a Jr. burger and a Single burger when they don't specify which one, they ask "whats the difference?" or "which is bigger/smaller". Pretty much, seeing these customers that come through have lessen my expectations of people of the rest of the world. Something else that I don't particularly like is that I am so exhausted when I get off work, leaving me with almost no energy for class or anything else that I might try to do that night. Sometimes I just get home and sleep until the next day(missed a few W.M.S.'s that way). One last minor thing that I hate is that I have to have my face completely shaven. Now I wouldn't mind keeping it looking nice but I don't like having nothing there.

The only reason I haven't really started looking for a new job is because I still haven't used my vacation yet. Right now I'm still trying to figure out when I should use it. Once I do though, I really want to start looking for a new job. The type of job I would like to have is one around technology, hopefully something that I could use the skills I got from the Mercer County Career Center. I was also maybe thinking of doing some time of photography since I'm apparently good at it. Even If its just something on the side. It would help if I had a new camera tho. I was also kinda looking into possibly doing art commissions but first I need to get myself back into drawing before I can do that.

Windows Vista 64bit

About 8 months ago I got Windows Vista for my Xion PC. Before then I was running a copy of XP from my brother and for a few months was getting the little alert that was saying my copy wasn't a genuine copy. I decided then to just get my own OS so I woulden't have to deal the whole genuine thing again. I then decided that since I was going to get a new OS I should go ahead and get Vista. It was out for a few years already and most of the bugs it might have had been worked out by now. I also went with 64bit instead of the normal 32bit because it was the same price and thought if something didn't work, I could still put it on my old HP computer.

+:
To start off I just want to say that Windows Vista looks amazing. I like the glass effect that the windows have and the shadows are much better that in xp. I liked how you can set any image as a background via the center setting and it will resize to fit the desktop better(xp kept the image it's normal size). The sidebar became very useful i found the twitter app known as Chirpr(the error message was hilarious). My Wacom tablet had some tools that came with vista that were pretty cool as well. I was able to set the network up alot easier than with xp and it connects to my XBox pretty easily as well.

-:
Now despite all the good things that I like about vista, there are quite a few issues that I've had as well. The major problem that I've ran into has been computability issues. Many games and applications from before Vista either doesn't run correctly or at all. My webcam isn't even detected(pops right up with xp, no drivers needed). This was kind of expected tho. It's a new OS and what probably made it was was it being 64bit. Another problem I've been having is the computer would just kick itself off the network. It wasn't that hard to get it back on but it does kinda get annoying. Windows Media Center also had a problem for a while. I wasn't able to open it without it crashing 10 seconds later. I even tried a fix I found but it wouldn't even do that. The only way I could fix it was to reinstall Vista. The final problem I've been having that really bugs me is with my video card. In games I will get some stretched polygons that go way off the screen and makes everything look horrible. This is something that happens in just about every game. The past few Tomb Raider games seem to be the worst with this. Another video problem i've been having is that a few pixels on my screen will go dead i guess for a little bit. Thankfully its mostly unnoticed and can sometimes be fixed by moving my mouse over that area. I'm really hoping that these problems are just some kind of computability issues with the video drivers.

Now after using for 8 months, I've decided to go back to Windows XP. I've ordered Windows XP Media Center for my computer and should have it soon. I'm not going to completely do away with Vista tho. I'm kinda planning on splitting my hard drive and installing both on my computer. I've recently got a book on programming for Direct X 10 which comes only with Vista. Only thing is I would need to get a better video card that can run dx10 before starting on that book.

-Edit:
I have installed XP Media Center successfully and it seems that I'm still having some video issues. This means that it had nothing to really do with Windows Vista. I'm guessing my card is just getting worn out or something, probably pushed it too hard. now that i think about it I think i might have heard a strange noise about half a year ago. I guess I'll just have to get a new video card if i want these glitches to stop completely.

The Silent Ninja needs a nickname

For a while now I've been wanting a new nickname but to be honest, I am absolutely horrible when coming up with names. I'll still be The Silent Ninja but to me that feels more like a title than a nickname. I want something that is unique and defines me. It shouldn't be too long, maybe at most 3 syllables, and it should be something that people wouldn't mind calling me on a regular basis. If anyone has any ideas please leave a comment, I would love to hear it.

Why so silent?

As most people probably know by now, I'm not one for verbally talking. You would be lucky if you can even get a few words out of me. Why am I so quiet? I guess I don't really know myself. I think that maybe it's because my mind just takes so long processing what others say. Then it takes a while to take my thoughts and form them into words, by which time the right moment to let it out had already passed. This is why I kinda prefer to type my thoughts rather than verbally say them. I guess its kinda because I can rad over what I'm going to say before I send it. Also my mind seems to work a lot fast with text than trying to listen to someone. Maybe it's because there's more pressure to try to listen, trying to understand it right away, and then trying to give a quick response. I have been trying to get better at talking and I guess I have gotten a little better over the past couple years, but I still think my verbal social skills need a lot of work, especially for when I go out to get a real job.

Chaos of the Mind

Oh, how crazy The Silent Ninja's mind has gotten.

Lately, my thoughts have gotten extremely chaotic. My mind seems to be wandering quite a bit, and it seems to have gotten a lot worse than before I got terminated from AIP. A lot of the time I kinda don't even know whats going through my head. Because of how crazy my mind is right now, it seems to be keeping me from being productive(drawing, writing my stories, posting on my blog). But yet, somehow I manage to get through work everyday. Not quite sure how though. This worries me because I'm due to start at ITT soon and I'm afraid that this is going to affect my performance there poorly. I really need to find some way to get my mind back under control. If anyone can give any advice, I would like to hear it

Over Energized!!!!

This Thursday was a very weird day for me.

I went into work like I always do and I had alot of energy. I seemed to get alot of things done way faster than usually and seemed to never stop moving. If I found myself without something to do, I just seemed to pace back and forth for a minute before flipping the burgers on the grill.

Now what is a mystery to me is how i had so much energy. The night before I didn't even get any sleep at all. Also I don't think i ate a thing since lunch the day before.

The only other time I remember this happening is about two weeks ago. That night i just paced back and forth in my appartment with random thoughts going through my head(wich seemed like alot more than usual). though after about an hour or two i eventually got tired and went to bed.

Now if I could only control when these bursts of energy happen, It would solve a few of my problems.

Starting off the year, Piecing myself back together.

Finished: January 29, 2009
(a couple things to note before you read this post: It was written over the course of 2 weeks and I was adding to each section at random. Also was tired through most of the writing as well. So please excuse any kind of awkwardness.)

So far, this year has been a year of change. For The Silent Ninja, it has been one with some pretty drastic changes. Some Good, Some bad. And when these changes happen, they tend to screw with any kinda plan that you might have had.

Last week, something terrible happened to me. I was Terminated from the Art Institute of Pittsburgh. This happened because I wasn't able to keep my gpa above what was required. For a while I've been failing a few classes mainly because i don't get the homework done for those classes. I've been finding it hard lately to just sit down at home and do homework. When i sit down to do it, i just seem to sit there and do nothing. My mind just seems to wander, thinking about random things, which leads to me not getting anything done. It seems that whatever used to keep my mind in check, kept these random thoughts under some kind of control, has disappeared, maybe burned out after working so hard for so long. There are probably a few other problems that may have helped push it to the edge. Also I think i might be having a slight memory problem.

Stress seems to be one of my major issues. After thinking about it, there are many things in my life that is stressful. One of those is my anger. There seems to be a lot that makes me angry. but luckily, I've been able to stay positive about everything. Though I think keeping this anger in is one of my stresses. I think work might be one of the major points of stress. Lately(for a few months now), usually around the end of a rough day i have been getting headaches. Another problem that has been bugging me is that I have been really tired after work. Sometimes I'll even just fall asleep after I get a bite to eat and completely miss anything I might have planned on doing that night(watching wrestling, listen to the mayhem show). Though I guess it doesn't help that I'm not eating as much as I used too. Also, one fore thing that is stressing the hell out of me is how social I am not. I would love to talk more but I think my mind just goes blank most of the time when people talk to me. It's kinda like my thoughts are in a different language that my mouth doesn't understand and has no idea how to respond.

Lately I have been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that one of my big problems is that I'm lonely. Now I'm not talking about just any kind of lonely, I know I'm welcome at my brothers anytime. I'm talking about the need for a female companion, the yin to my yang. I yearn for someone that I can love and they will love me back(and keep me from going crazy). It really bothers me that I have never had a girlfriend. I see others together and it reminds me how lonely I am, saddening me. So if anyone can help me out with this I would greatly appreciate it.

I think things may have been a little bit better if I had stuck to my original plan. My original plan after High school was to wait about a year before I went to a college. That way I could have gotten used having a job and maybe even get myself settled in a little better down here in Pittsburgh before starting college. I also think it may have given me some time to prepare myself mentally as well.

Since it does not look like I'll be going back to AIP, I've already come up with a few idea's of what I want to do. I still want to try to get in the gaming business. I plan on continuing to work on my drawing skills. I think I might also start up either a new blog segment on this blog or start up a completely new blog where I will post short stories. This will hopefully help make me get better at my story writing skills. I also want to start up going through some game programming books as well, have been holding that off because of AIP. While I do that, I kinda want to start some freelance photography. Before I can do that though, I need to get a new camera. My old one eats up batteries like their nothing and it would help to have a more professional camera. It would also be nice to finish putting together an RPG and go with it with some friends. I started some planning a while back but stopped, once again because of AIP. I also would like to start either wrestling or become a musical artist. I kinda feel theres some negative energy that just sets inside me and I feel something along those lines is what I need to let it out. Also, in between all of this, I hope to find a girlfriend.

And as I finish this post(about a week after starting, dammit) I continue to try to pull myself back together, adjusting to the changes and preparing for whatever the future may have in store for me.