Saturday, January 24, 2009

Over Energized!!!!

This Thursday was a very weird day for me.

I went into work like I always do and I had alot of energy. I seemed to get alot of things done way faster than usually and seemed to never stop moving. If I found myself without something to do, I just seemed to pace back and forth for a minute before flipping the burgers on the grill.

Now what is a mystery to me is how i had so much energy. The night before I didn't even get any sleep at all. Also I don't think i ate a thing since lunch the day before.

The only other time I remember this happening is about two weeks ago. That night i just paced back and forth in my appartment with random thoughts going through my head(wich seemed like alot more than usual). though after about an hour or two i eventually got tired and went to bed.

Now if I could only control when these bursts of energy happen, It would solve a few of my problems.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Starting off the year, Piecing myself back together.

Finished: January 29, 2009
(a couple things to note before you read this post: It was written over the course of 2 weeks and I was adding to each section at random. Also was tired through most of the writing as well. So please excuse any kind of awkwardness.)

So far, this year has been a year of change. For The Silent Ninja, it has been one with some pretty drastic changes. Some Good, Some bad. And when these changes happen, they tend to screw with any kinda plan that you might have had.

Last week, something terrible happened to me. I was Terminated from the Art Institute of Pittsburgh. This happened because I wasn't able to keep my gpa above what was required. For a while I've been failing a few classes mainly because i don't get the homework done for those classes. I've been finding it hard lately to just sit down at home and do homework. When i sit down to do it, i just seem to sit there and do nothing. My mind just seems to wander, thinking about random things, which leads to me not getting anything done. It seems that whatever used to keep my mind in check, kept these random thoughts under some kind of control, has disappeared, maybe burned out after working so hard for so long. There are probably a few other problems that may have helped push it to the edge. Also I think i might be having a slight memory problem.

Stress seems to be one of my major issues. After thinking about it, there are many things in my life that is stressful. One of those is my anger. There seems to be a lot that makes me angry. but luckily, I've been able to stay positive about everything. Though I think keeping this anger in is one of my stresses. I think work might be one of the major points of stress. Lately(for a few months now), usually around the end of a rough day i have been getting headaches. Another problem that has been bugging me is that I have been really tired after work. Sometimes I'll even just fall asleep after I get a bite to eat and completely miss anything I might have planned on doing that night(watching wrestling, listen to the mayhem show). Though I guess it doesn't help that I'm not eating as much as I used too. Also, one fore thing that is stressing the hell out of me is how social I am not. I would love to talk more but I think my mind just goes blank most of the time when people talk to me. It's kinda like my thoughts are in a different language that my mouth doesn't understand and has no idea how to respond.

Lately I have been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that one of my big problems is that I'm lonely. Now I'm not talking about just any kind of lonely, I know I'm welcome at my brothers anytime. I'm talking about the need for a female companion, the yin to my yang. I yearn for someone that I can love and they will love me back(and keep me from going crazy). It really bothers me that I have never had a girlfriend. I see others together and it reminds me how lonely I am, saddening me. So if anyone can help me out with this I would greatly appreciate it.

I think things may have been a little bit better if I had stuck to my original plan. My original plan after High school was to wait about a year before I went to a college. That way I could have gotten used having a job and maybe even get myself settled in a little better down here in Pittsburgh before starting college. I also think it may have given me some time to prepare myself mentally as well.

Since it does not look like I'll be going back to AIP, I've already come up with a few idea's of what I want to do. I still want to try to get in the gaming business. I plan on continuing to work on my drawing skills. I think I might also start up either a new blog segment on this blog or start up a completely new blog where I will post short stories. This will hopefully help make me get better at my story writing skills. I also want to start up going through some game programming books as well, have been holding that off because of AIP. While I do that, I kinda want to start some freelance photography. Before I can do that though, I need to get a new camera. My old one eats up batteries like their nothing and it would help to have a more professional camera. It would also be nice to finish putting together an RPG and go with it with some friends. I started some planning a while back but stopped, once again because of AIP. I also would like to start either wrestling or become a musical artist. I kinda feel theres some negative energy that just sets inside me and I feel something along those lines is what I need to let it out. Also, in between all of this, I hope to find a girlfriend.

And as I finish this post(about a week after starting, dammit) I continue to try to pull myself back together, adjusting to the changes and preparing for whatever the future may have in store for me.